Finding My Feet

I actually can see my feet, though their have been times when all I could really describe would be my toes. My weight has fluctuated for as long as I can remember caring. But most days, if I look down, I can see my Sketchers, or my flip flops and, during winter, my snow boots. (Note to self: By new shoes.)  

I have always been a "big" girl. And, this is going to shock you, I have always been okay with that.* I have never believed my self worth lay inside a scale or a pair of jeans. My weight has never adversely affected my life. I feel your doubt. It's okay. I'm used to it.  You need proof, I got proof.

I have an excellent family who love me and, with the exception of my grandmother, never judge me. (and she never judges my weight, so it doesn't really count) I have a husband who thinks I'm a Goddess and treats me as such. He loves the way I look, dress,talk, do the dishes, etc. He really is the perfect man. (I will pause for your jealous sighs. Done? Okay, let's keep going) I have friends who think I'm hilarious and kind and empathetic. (All of which is true)  I have many more great things in my life all of which would take me hours to tell you about. And really...do you care?

So, you ask, why the hell am I here, talking about my weight, and feet, and everything else? If my life is so good why don't I just go and live it?  Good question. I have the answer.

My weight has never really affected my life before. I have managed to do and have whatever I wanted my entire life...until now.

I want a child. And according to my doctor, that isn't going to happen until I lose weight. Confused? Me, too. But i'll try to break it down for you:

I have PCOS- otherwise known as Poly-Cystic Ovary Syndrome. This causes a number of issues in my body, the most important to me being that it affects my reproductive organs and renders them pretty useless at this point. (for future reference, it also makes any attempt to lose weight twice as difficult, so for those of you who were annoyed by my bragging before, here is where your payback comes in.) There are other things it does and affects, but as my degree is in History and not in Medicine, I have a limited understanding of it.

So, doctor says to lose 40lbs and then that should help kick my ovaries into gear. It'll be like given my PCOS the finger. (Fuck you, many cysts, fuck you!)  So, in March of this year, I went on a diet-type thing and managed to lose 10 lbs. Yay for me! But then I stopped. Life happens and I got off track. I've managed to not gain back the 10lbs that I lost, but that still leaves me with 30 lbs to go. 

So, here I am, walking into the world of Healthy Eating and Exercise, trying to find my footing in the land of Weight Loss, because despite the fact that I have always been happy with being big, I want a child more than anything. If losing weight is what I need to do, then I'm serious about it. 

But, I am a rebellious soul and sometimes I end up sabotaging myself. So, I need something to hold me accountable. I bought a journal the other day. (You remember those? Leather bound books full of actual paper?) A few friends and I are doing this weight loss thing together and one of them had the idea to write down goals and recipes and (for me) to vent our annoyance at the lack of cake in the journals. I'm all for that. But, I am a child of my generation and I feel the need to let all the world know that I am a fat kid on a mission. So, I will vent to you and laugh with you and if any of you ever has an idea for Health Food( yuck) that won't make me want to gag, I would certainly appreciate it!

The ground looks a little shaky, but hopefully it will all smooth out soon!

Peace Out!

*I freely confess that there have been times throughout my life where I have bemoaned my weight and told my friends that "If only I could lose the weight..." but I was an angst ridden teenager and such issues come with the territory.